


Classic joke, unexpected punchline

by CitrusErotica



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Sex, Buckets, Buckets (Homestuck), Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Earth C (Homestuck), Gay Panic, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Porn, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sex, Sexuality Crisis, Touch-Starved, Troll Romance (Homestuck), Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28365684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitrusErotica/pseuds/CitrusErotica
Summary: John pulls a classic joke on Karkat and dissolves into a sexuality crisis as Karkat has had enough and shows him what kismesitude is.
Relationships: John Egbert/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Kudos: 10





	Classic joke, unexpected punchline

John thought Roxy's idea to gather as many members of their old friends group was brilliant! He even got there earlier than anyone else, snickering as water filled the plastic bucket. He flew up to set it on the door then backed away to the couch to wait for his first victim of the night. He also set up a can of fake snakes as he hoped Rose would walk in first because she nearly never gets tricked by him.  
Karkat however was the first to enter about fifteen minutes later, opening his mouth to greet John and feeling freezing cold water cover him, the bucket clanged on the ground and Karkat was left soaking wet and dripping.

 **"JOHN. FUCKING. EGBERT."**

The laughter coming from the blue boy died down only when the wet troll lunged at him, slamming the door behind himself with excessive force. John jumped into flight to get away, being grabbed by the ankle with sharp claws and pulled right the fuck back down with a few scratches slowly dripping red.  
"OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T. I HAVE TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN YOU NOOKSNIFFER TO CEASE YOUR INSISTENT FUCKING PRANKS AS THEY ARE IN NO WAY FUNNY OR ENTERTAINING," he yelled in John's face, who by that point got back his bearing from the shock and spoke over him until he stopped to listen.  
"karkat! karkat calm down, you're hurting me dude!"  
"THAT'S THE POINT OF CLAWS, YOU GRUBFISTED FUCKLIKING FUCKSTAIN! YOU'VE BEEN PITCH TEASING ME SINCE THE GAME, SO FUCK YOU!"  
"is this another one of your weird alien hate romance things? back off, i told you i'm not homosexual!"  
"EGBERT, I WILL CHOKE YOU OUT MYSELF IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO SHUT YOU UP."  
Karkat rose both hands to John's neck, bringing forth a pang in John's gut that he definitely shouldn't be feeling in a situation like this, and with a person like Karkat. He swung a fist and hooked Karkat in the side of his jaw with enough force to knock him off of the couch and onto the floor, hitting his back on the coffee table on his way down. Vantas growled loudly and glared at him, challenging. John got up and without knowing why he dropped to Karkat's level. He was mad. All he wanted was to pull a little practical joke on a friend, the fact that Karkat couldn't take the joke wasn't his fault. The troll on the other hand was greeted by a perverse bucket full of water, culturally insensitive asshat, after being ignored for years of messaging, so his reaction is justified by his opinion. 

John wasn't going to hold back if Karkat wanted a strife so he sent several fists his way before Karkat pushed his hips up, sending John off balance with yet another pang of a feeling in his gut that he did his best to ignore as he got a boot to the stomach and got shot back and fell on his ass. Karkat flipped and straddled him with trollish speed and agility, a predatory look in his eyes. He didn't exactly know what to do from there so he let his instinct drive him, but witheld the murderous parts, dipping down. He shoved John's arms away and the human turned his head, thinking Karkat was going for a kiss or to smash their foreheads together because of the horns and stuff, but instead he let out a groan when the crook between his neck and shoulder got bit by razor-sharp teeth. The sound was pained, broken, and beyond confused. 

"THAT'S MORE LIKE IT, YOU'RE ACTUALLY GETTING IT NOW, MOTHERFUCKING BULGESMOKING ASSFUCK."  
Karkat released his toothy grasp with a disgustingly wet, fleshy sound and red was visible on his teeth as he spoke, sitting up and wiping his lips from the red. John stared at him. Then he yanked his arms free with relative ease and pulled on Karkat's sweater and bit his neck back since he couldn't reach that low from the turtleneck. He only got a "HN-F," from the troll before the boy laughed at John.  
"YOUR TEETH ARE B-BLUNT. THEY DON'T DO SHIT," he shifted above him, an unimaginable heat running through him. It was exhilarating for both, for Karkat because John actually got violent with him, that he tried reciprocating even if he didn't exactly know what he was doing, and for John to actually get this pent up aggression out without fearing it, without thinking he'll fuck up any second now. John's head spiralled when Karkat shoved him away only to pull him into a lip bruising kiss, forceful and yearning. There were no teeth and no tongue, he wasn't daring to go farther without John knowing exactly what the nature of the situation was. He split them just as John lifted a hand to either push the troll away or hold him, debating it himself.

"THIS," Karkat was shaking as he spoke and held John's shirt, stretching it out, "THIS UH, THIS IS KISMESITUDE." John swallowed hard and panted, the tent in his pants undeniably present, and when he looked down he also was struck by the sight of **something** moving inside Karkat's pants. He wasn't clueless, he roughly knew what was supposed to be there, but he never bothered to watch porn to see, nor did he get far enough with Vriska or Terezi for it. He just stared and panted, Karkat patiently waiting for John's decision. Vantas' ear twitched and he jumped back, adjusting his sweater to cover his crotch and pulling himself up because he heard footsteps. John snapped back and got the gist, rushing out of the room in the form of wind and going into the bathroom. He locked the door behind himself. 

John looked at himself in the mirror, taking ahold of the sink in front of him, the water running just like earlier, but he didn't snicker this time. No, now he just hung his head, and he shuddered. No fucking way, there's no way he was gay, right? No, he very much liked Terezi and Vriska before, Roxy extremely so although they aren't really female anymore. But Karkat is definitely a dude, and looking down at the semi-hard-on he has right now, definitely got him bothered. It's not like there's anything wrong with gay people! Haha, no, he's just not gay personally, he thinks. John washes his face with cold water and drinks some from his hands. Maybe he's just desperate? Yeah, probably, he did spend a long time without anyone, just his hand, and even that wasn't very often, he probably just got excited because he's touch starved... Okay, that might be worse?

John spends the next thirty minutes thinking to himself in the bathroom before exiting. Meanwhile Karkat yelled and fussed and explained the prank to the first person to arrive after them, leaving out the hate-romance part. 

It's been roughly a week since the gathering, but John didn't ignore Karkat's messages. Why? Because Karkat didn't send any. John was starting to be more talkative, but still going at his own pace. He's more than once just sat with his and Karkat's chat log open, just staring at it without sending anything. What is he even supposed to say? 'Hey, I liked it when you hit me and I hit you, wanna fight again?' That sounds even more insane when he types it out and whispers it than inside his head, so he erases it and exits the Pesterchum-Trollian app. 

"dude just say no homo and y'all're good"  
"NO, WE'RE NOT GOOD, FRANKLY I DON'T THINK WE CAN BE MORE NOT GOOD CURRENTLY DUE TO THIS HEAPING PILE OF FIREY GRUBSHIT," Karkat throws his hands in the air.  
"chill the fuck out"  
"just visit him and go with the flow"  
"if you're like kismesis soulmates or some shit it will happen itself"  
"YEAH, BECAUSE THAT WORKED SO WELL FOR YOU AND I!"  
...  
"huh?"  
"NOPE."  
"woah woah *WOAH*, backtrack"  
"NO, NEVER, BYE!"  
"kitkat, whats wrong with you and i?"  
"FIRST OF ALL—"  
"karkat im serious"  
"no cap please"  
...  
It was sooner or later that the two of them would meet again in person since their friend group overlapped. Mostly because of Dave and Jade... and everyone else in their friend groups being too busy adulting. Karkat even hanged out with Eridan recently.

So here they sit awkwardly, radiation the unspoken tension. Karkat is horrible at keeping secrets but John should know better. It seems the blue boy was so thrown off by his apparent sexual awakening that he doesn't notice it. Almost everyone sees it. Rose and Kanaya make educated bets on who breaks first. Not everyone is here. Rose, Kanaya, John, Karkat, Dave, Jade, and surprisingly Dirk managed to find the time to show up.

They made small talk but as soon it brushed upon more than that John would cower for one reason or another, changing topics and excusing himself. Overall the night went with no casualties but as Karkat was leaving the Maryam-Lalonde home John shoved him to the side and dragged him away from the main entrance to the side garden and further to avoid being seen. Karkat was too confused to react, knowing he's not in actual danger here, not knowing how to react he just let himself be pulled along with furrowed brows.

"OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, EGBERT?"  
Karkat pulled his elbow free when they stopped only to be pushed against the wall by his shoulders. John was always the one to act brash, impulsive, not caring about the consequences until they arrive, and he's been hesitating for years now because consequences caught up to him. He's done hesitating. He doesn't know why he wants to do this, why he's not disgusted, nor what his sexuality is, but he wants to try. He knows Karkat has liked him the hate romance way for a long time now, he's willing to try more now that he's had a taste if it means he will be useful to Karkat, and get this urge to play, to fight, out of him. Freedom and flexibility are his thing, aren't they? Heir of Breath? Karkat pushes him away with a surprised hum.

"NO."  
"no?"  
"NO, JOHN. I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION, ANSWER IT."  
"i don't ... i don't know? i don't know karkat, i just want to... yeah."  
"I'M NOT DOING THIS UNLESS YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT *ME*, YOU FUCKSLUG. THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU TIME TO THINK IT THROUGH."  
"i do! give me a chance okay? this is all new to me, i want to give uh you a shot?"  
Karkat raises a brow and crosses his arms at the questioning tone.  
"i want to give us a shot!"  
"NICE SAVE."  
Their eye contact intensifies with sexual tension rising between them, John hanging onto every word, waiting for approval he so desperately needs, Karkat waiting for John to... why the hell is he waiting?  
"WELL KISS ME YOU ALMIGHTY NOOKSCRATCHING ASS."  
"sexy," John laughs.  


Karkat grabs John's jaw to still it so he can bite the human's bottom lip without doing actual damage, just nipping it and having John completely flip and _whimper_ for him. **Fuck.** Karkat got a surge of pleasure through his body just at the sound and those baby blues going from wide to hooded. The mischief in John's ocean eyes should have been his warning but Karkat found himself swept off his feet and forced into a dip, making him blush at the romantic gesture before they're both on the ground, John on top.

Rose sips her tea with a satisfied and proud smile as Kanaya covers her own mouth with four upward fingers, scandalised by the sight on their monitor. It's not nearly as vulgar as it could become but still, seeing their friends make out on the pathway from their front to their back garden, all recorded by cameras they have around their home, is terribly funny.  
"I Suppose... You Have Emerged Victorious, But If You'd Prefer Not To Clean Red Off Of Cobblestone, I'd Recommend That We... Intervene."  
Whether she meant blood or slurry is debatable, but most likely both.  
"They will leave before such a thing becomes necessary. Give our friends a tad more credit, darling." 


End file.
